I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
