My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
