So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
