she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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