This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
