Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
