I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
