hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
