Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
