I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
