I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home