You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
