My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void