Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
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I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....