I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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