you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
