Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
