I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
