Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
