Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
