mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
