It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
