The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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