I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His nipple licking is glorious
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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