We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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