At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
