i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I take back everything I said about communal showers
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
