He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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