I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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