I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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