you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Randomize
