Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
