i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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