i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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