I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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