I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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