so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
