the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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