at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
