my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
