He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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