Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
