I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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