So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
