Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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