I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The best revenge is premature balding
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
