I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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