That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
