my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I need a burrito and a hug.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
