I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
