Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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