he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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