i jhust puked up my retainher.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
