Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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