maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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