i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
