The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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