White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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