Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We are two peas in an std pod
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
